Staging My Return

I haven’t written for a pretty long time.  I have been dealing with some pretty heavy subjects and frankly have not had the head space I need to be able to write. But I have missed it.

In a few days I am having surgery.  Not a small, few days off, watching movies type of surgery. But a pretty extensive, can’t drive for 6 weeks class of surgery where I will not be able to participate in my son’s daily life for a few weeks.  And one that is absolutely freaking my deacon as Teddy says—he likes to rhyme.  I am having a total hysterectomy on Thursday.  And I am not as fine as I want to be about it--for many reasons.  One major reason is that the life Teddy knows—me participating in his every day, taking him to the park, to school, to services, everywhere – will not be happening.  Instead I have to rely on my husband to do this; and my parents; and possibly a sister or two; and a couple of friends.  It would seem that it really does take a village.  I will not be able to make sure he has brushed his teeth, or gotten a bath, or eaten.  I will not be able to make sure he has only watched 1 hour of TV or played on the computer for an hour one time a day. I won’t be able to see that he has about an hour of outside time and I won’t be able to get up with him in the middle of the night when he calls for me (well that I hardly do anyway).  I won’t be emotionally available to him, to hug him or talk him out of a meltdown--I may be having my own.  I won’t be able to hold him.

To prepare for this I have created lists, a calendar, even a menu of appropriate stuff for Teddy to eat for each meal.  I have been giving Pete a tour of the Kitchen, Teddy’s play things, his arts center and where I put the play dough.  I have pre-set up play dates and purchased birthday gifts and even pre-ordered a week’s worth of shopping (Thank you PEAPOD!!)  I told Pete what I want for Teddy educationally and have given him the ok to remarry (after 5 years—and she better LOVE TEDDY more than herself!) And I told him that I want to be cremated and buried with my cat Loki (not in the Egyptian way—the cat would of course die of natural causes and to wait to deal with my ashes until after that happens.)

I know that this, most of it anyway, is overkill, I know my husband isn’t an idiot…

It is funny.  I am sure I can give another parent advice on how to deal with this. But when it is me dealing with it, I am not entirely secure in my abilities or that I have done enough to prepare for every possible outcome.

But it is my way of trying to control a situation that I feel has become completely out of hand, and a way for me to have control over some things when I cannot have control on others.  I will not have control over how Teddy reacts to this.  I will not be able to comfort him and this kills me.  He will have to visit me in the hospital and see me in pain and deal with my mood swings and watch me cry.  He is only 4.  I am trying to have a sense of humor about this.  I am also trying to prepare him for it as much as possible, but there is only so much I can do.   I did all of the normal things I could think of, gotten books about the Hospital out of the Library, spoken to him about it, tried to reassure him I will be ok. I’ve made everyone aware around him that this was happening, drafted help from friends and other parents and we created a list of things we could do together while I am recovering and when I get better. 

I also know I must be positive.  That this will help me recover and regain my normal life—maybe an even better life, than the one I had pre-hysterectomy.  The pain I have felt, the ups and downs emotionally, the days and hours I’ve spent dealing with this issue, will all be replaced with time spent with my family.  I need to look at this as a teaching tool for my son as well.  I have to show him strength and fortitude, humor and patience. 

But I have so many questions.  Do I have to hide the ugliness from him as well? A family goes through things in the course of a lifetime, by him seeing this now will it set him up to be strong or to be afraid? Have I done enough to counteract the worry and the fear? Can I do enough or should I just deal with it as we go along and take a leap of faith in those around me? Does he have enough socks?

To some degree I am going to have to take a leap of faith and suck it up so to speak.  This will be a ‘selfish’ time for me, a time where I take care of me first until I can take care of him again, putting my own oxygen mask on before his.  If I leave this issue unchecked, there will be days per month that I will need to devote to dealing with it anyway.  I may get sicker, the outcome is inevitable.  I have never been one to guiltlessly take care of myself.  It is always laden with guilt.  This time I can feel no guilt.  I will not. 

I will concentrate on getting better so that I can enjoy the summer and pick up where things left off.

One of the things this experience has already taught me, about being a mom and about being a person in general, is that I need to concentrate on what is actually important to me. I know how trite and cliché that sounds, but  I tend to want to do everything--be a class mom, volunteer at the NICU, write, help whoever needs help at the time, publish Macaroni Kid, manage Patrick and The Rock-a-Silly band—whatever that day’s to do list says.  But I can’t do that and be a happy person.  And if I can’t be a happy person than what am I showing Teddy?  If he doesn’t have a happy mom (and by extension a happy Dad) then he most certainly will not have a happy outlook on life.  And that just can’t happen.  I know we will all be ok, because I have to make sure we are.  These past months of almost constant pain I have not been happy.  But I know I used to be.  And I know I will be again.

I have an image of us walking in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. I am wearing a white shirt and jeans, a bag slung over my shoulder.  Teddy is pulling a blue, kid-sized wheelie suitcase and Pete is   walking behind us with a larger, matching bag.  This is the image I will have when I go under, an image of a young (ish) family, on a trip together in the near future.  Happy, healthy and full of purpose.

I will return.

 

Savvy is not a four letter word

Savvy: (sav-vy (savee) -verb: to know; understand. (savvy. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved April 04, 2011, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/savvy) Having and using common sense and intelligence.  

Parent: [pair-uh nt,] –noun 1.  a father or a mother. 2. a protector or guardian.
( parent. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved April 04, 2011, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/parent)

Being a “savvy parent” is our duty as parents.  It means that we are aware enough of the environment in which we live both locally, regionally and globally, and that we are making choices that benefit our kids and hopefully other children as well.  It means that we are acting as proper and fierce advocates for the rights of our children to be duly and properly educated and well taken care of especially during the time of their lives where they are really not able to legally or emotionally advocate for themselves.  All parents must do this, it is part of our job description, it is sad to think that someone may use this against parents who want to obtain what they feel is the best for their children. A savvy parent is not someone with suitcases of money who will pay anything to send their child to an elite, private, upper-crust pre-school--that is a rich parent.   A savvy parent is someone who will fight for their child’s right to enroll in a spectacular public or not-for-profit preschool that they might not be zoned for or scrape up enough money and go without cable for a year so their child can be a part of a school they otherwise cannot afford. A savvy parent will collect the information they need to make these decisions and upon doing so find out more information they never knew they needed to know and will probably share that with some of their friends.   I was at the recent CEC (Community Education council) for District 31 meeting (31 encompasses the entire general department of education schools on Staten Island) to support the Staten Island Green Charter School for Environmental Discovery, and boy was I ever riled up by what one person who seemingly is advocating for children and public schools as a whole had said.  She basically came out and said that savvy parents need to be condemned for wanting a choice for their children.  That by being a savvy parent, one is being opportunistic, elitist, and well, biased. 

The CEC 31’s have in effect replaced what used to be known as Community School Boards, every district has one and its members are all volunteers and many from the public education sector. Some of their responsibilities include: Promoting the success of the DOE Educational standards and objectives; Act in cooperation with School Leadership Teams; Consult with the Chancellor and the Panel on Educational Policy when it pertains to their specific district; Evaluate the impact on student learning by the district’s Schools and other educational programs and; Designate zoning lines.  (http://www.cec31.org/index.html) They are also an open forum of sorts to have a public say in what educational policies and issues may be on the brink of passing and up for discussion.  I went there, with some other parents, to support a school that holds as its mission the opportunity for all learning styles to be supported.  Through the differentiated learning that the school is proposing, children who need a little extra help may be able to get it here, and not be overlooked or overworked at a traditional public school.  Charter schools are publicly funded and need to hold a lottery.  

The argument that this woman, a longtime public school employee and lifelong educator, held was that, a certain portion of our society will not be savvy enough to access something called the internet and not know what their rights are as parents when it comes to accessing schools like this one is proposing to be.  I say, this woman really needs to understand that in the world in which she once came from, when her children were small and just starting out going to school, that might have been the case, but this is such a different world.  Most parents are savvy.  Case in point two other women at the meeting, both who are educators and one of whom spoke out against the charter school model, actually manipulated the public school system to get her daughter transferred to what she deemed was a better school.  They both have young children and are actively playing a role in the education of their children.  All parents for whom education plays a big part in their child’s life are doing this.  And those parent’s do not equal 2.  Those parents are a million strong.  Even more.  There is no more the excuse of, “Oh, I just didn’t know that.”  They look on the internet, talk to one another, get daily emails sent to them by the DOE, savvyparent.com, greatschools.com, other parents.  There is so much access to information that it sometimes may be hard to weed through, but it is there.  If this is a priority for their children, if it is something they think is important, then they will find out what they need to do.  Sure it is time consuming, sure it is annoying, but they will be savvy by the end of it and their kids will be the better for it.  Do not talk down to me or accuse me of trying to get something over on the system or taking something away from another child because I am a savvy parent, because guess what, you were too. 

Teach-r-Mom: This week's lesson in how to become a bad parent. ...

Teach-r-Mom: This week's lesson in how to become a bad parent. ...: This week's lesson in how to become a bad parent. You must: 1. Yell at your child when she doesn't listen to you, although you have repeat...

This week's lesson in how to become a bad parent. You must:

1. Yell at your child when she doesn't listen to you, although you have repeatedly, from a chair, clearly not motivated, while sending texts and laughing at emails, asked her if she wanted to go get Ham and cheese because you are hungry.

2. Leave that child in the locked car, with the windows up and the heat on, alone, parked half in the street and half on the sidewalk.

3. Run in to interrupt your other child's physical therapy session while your younger child is waiting locked in the car, with the windows up and the heat on, alone...

and- 4 (my favorite)
Have the older child that you plucked from Physcial Therapy early walk out into the rain and cold with their pants scrunched all the way up and only one foot in her boot.

But at least you are all wearing matching jackets and your nails are done.

It's Naked Time!

Ah, Naked Time.  The time of day when my four year old son, who is proudly unaware that being naked is frowned upon in certain, shall we say, uptight circles of our society, streaks across the floor gleefully yelling, “Catch Me!  I’m Naked BOY!” 

I don’t have a problem with him doing this.  I am of the mind that a four year old is just expressing his or her innate need to declare themselves.  If this means exposing one’s own privates in moderately mixed company, so be it. 

My parents and sister disagree.  The other day I was over their house (which I am often) and Teddy ran into the kitchen naked.  My sister said in a tone of voice that clearly dripped with distaste, “Teddy that is inappropriate now, you are too old to run around naked.  Go put some clothes on.” My parents chimed in, he ignored her and I replied, “Great way to help build his positive body image!”

For the record, Teddy only streaks before or after bath time, and when he is getting changed.  He doesn’t walk around the block naked and rarely does it when company is over.  However, he loves it.  He loves feeling the breeze on his preschool butt.  And truthfully I really don’t mind, neither does my husband.  And by “Moderately Mixed Company” I mean Family members and the odd close friend or two, not at the park or on the beach.

While our self image is ever evolving based on the information about ourselves that we receive and accept over the years, there are certain ideas that kids should grow up with to ensure that most of what they think of themselves is positive.  This creates the opportunity not only to love oneself, but not be devastated when they find themselves inevitably facing their limitations.    Parents, caregivers, teachers and close family members all aid in either the promotion or destruction of that self esteem.  And while it is possible, with much help, therapy and persuasion to change an already bruised ego, puberty will screw them up so badly that not only will they have that to contend with, but the horrible self image they have constructed because their loved and trusted caregiver cannot understand what it means to be that uninhibited. 

Many of the things adult do and say to our children, in the name of safety or just to enforce rules are built around a preconceived notion that they have created for themselves with the information they were given.  I am not saying most of it is wrong, but I am suggesting that while a child is scolded in the guise of being taught a lesson, or restricted in the name of safety, it is necessary to ask ourselves if our gut reaction is a condition of what we were scolded for or restricted from when we were kids. 

Another relevant question is why do we feel so uncomfortable about it?  Is it from a fear that has been implanted in our psyche or do we truly feel that it may be inappropriate for a four year old to say, run around the background on a beautiful summer day completely naked for 4 minutes before his mother gets him to come over to her so she can put his bathing suit on while no one but his aunt and grandmother are around to witness it.   

He may be safe with clothes on but at what cost?

Release the Hounds!

School has begun.  Last year, Teddy went to Nursery school three afternoons per week and really didn’t display any type of separation.  None actually, which of course made me worry that he wasn’t attached to me and I wasn’t a good mom.  It also made me think if he was in touch with his emotions and if not, maybe I have a bigger problem on my hands than just a Sensory Issue. 

Fast forward to today, his third day alone in preschool (a big boy’s school!) and he is hysterical crying.  I know the right thing to do.  As a teacher of preschool kids, I always said it was better to just leave, and let us deal with it.  If they see you upset or waver they think they have a real reason to cry.  The stronger you are about it…BLAH BLAH BLAH!  My kid is crying.  It is damned hard to walk away from that, even when you know what is best.

Will he cry all afternoon?

Probably not.  He is probably right now just playing and doing a project, hanging with his new friends.  Will he cry when I pick him up?  Probably.

I saw it coming.  For a few weeks he has been off.  Not sleeping well.  Telling me that he won’t like his new teachers because he loves me and there is no more room to love anyone else.  This past week he has been displaying anger towards inanimate objects, kicking tires and doors a little.  Not listening.  What can I do except help him through this.  We started reading the Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, a timeless tale about a Raccoon going to school and having some hesitations.  His mom kisses his hand and tells him whenever he feels lonely he can put his hand up to his cheek and say to himself Mommy Loves me.  We did it.  I drew a heart on his hand, kissed it and he put it up to his cheek cradling it saying Mommy and Daddy love me. 

He threw my kiss away today.  I don’t feel hurt, or think this has in any way to do with me personally, but when his teacher saw that she said, he really loves school I wonder why he did that. Really?  Have you never dealt with a child who has separation?  He is the only one?  And you have been teaching preschool for how long now?  Oh this is your first year, you usually teach 4^th grade.  Well…….that doesn’t inspire the confidence that you will be able to care for him.  A 4^th grader is a completely different animal. 

He wasn’t alone in his display of fear and anguish.  Three other kids, one whom refused to go in at all, were hysterical.  The parents were at a loss because this is their first experience with separation.  I fear it may be another long year folks. 

How long will this separation last?  I guess it depends upon a few things.  How I handle it, how his teachers handle it and how the other kids in the class handle theirs.  Maybe a new parent group needs to be started; maybe they already have one in place.  There should absolutely be a class for parents on how to deal with separation---parenting at all stages needs a handbook, a guide to help us figure the little things out.  It takes a team to raise a Whole child. 

I hope his separation comes and goes quickly, and that he enjoys school. And I hope the guilt I am feeling passes too.  I know it will. Tomorrow I am giving him an ID card with my picture on it, that worked once over the summer, let’s hope it will again.

How Do You Know When IT is Right?

I worry.  I worry deeply about my son’s education.  I want it to be stellar, spectacular even.  I want him to be happy.  I want us to be happy with the schools we choose and that is such a crap shoot these days.  Education is really needing to look elsewhere for funds since the government just does not want to pay for it anymore, and the more in bed the schools get with corporate partnerships the more beholden to them they will be, plaques like this math book is sponsored by McDonalds just may be a reality.  It may already have happened. 

Why do I want him to like school so much?  Maybe it’s because I didn’t.  At least not past 5^th grade, I suspect tho that it started before then.  Am I reaching for a goal here that I was unable to achieve?  Am I trying to go back to my childhood and fix what happened to me?  Don’t we all a little bit?  We are thinking of moving to Brooklyn to go to have him go to a school there.  The schools there seem to have a little more to offer.  When I say schools I mean public school.  I still believe in the public school system as it was set up and the promise it actually could have, especially if it was supported in the way it ought to be.  I want Teddy to experience a mix of cultures as well as a mix of specialty classes.  I want him to know a person who celebrates Kwanzaa and Ramadan as well as Hanukkah and Christmas.  And I want the teachers to show him things that I am not able to or haven’t thought up.  A friend of mine who loves to debate my educational understanding and ideas believes that I can give him what I want and have the schools supplement.  But social ties will get in the way of that as he gets older.  He will be involved with after school stuff and homework will take precedence in my supplementation of what I want him to learn, so as he gets older, I won’t be able to show him new ideas and spend hours performing science experiments with him.  The school will have to be his primary teacher and I will be the one supplementing them. 

When he was one, I said to my husband, Pete, that we have four years to make decisions about Teddy’s education.  We feel like, now that we have one year to go, we have more questions than answers, though there are some incredible websites out there to help, the educational experience is so personal that even if I went to take a tour of the school or schools that we are interested in we really won’t know how he will fit in, if his personal needs will be met and if he will succeed.  Yes, we will be there pretty much every step of the way to see what he needs and change things up as we go along, but can we really know? And what if we think we have it right, move to a new area of the city and it turns out to be horrible?  This is what my parents had to do when they moved us from Brooklyn (where we want to go) to Staten Island.  Yes we were safer (define that) and we had much more space to run around in, but were the schools actually better?  I guess it really all depends on what you want from a school?  This is something I keep trying to define.  What do I want from my son’s school?  What do I want for my son’s education?  Will I find it? Do I know too much?  Does that hurt me?

I don’t know but I do know that if my husband and I don’t ask these questions, one of the most precious gifts we can give him, the one thing I feel I can do really right, will not be good enough.