I haven’t written for a pretty long time. I have been dealing with some pretty heavy subjects and frankly have not had the head space I need to be able to write. But I have missed it.
In a few days I am having surgery. Not a small, few days off, watching movies type of surgery. But a pretty extensive, can’t drive for 6 weeks class of surgery where I will not be able to participate in my son’s daily life for a few weeks. And one that is absolutely freaking my deacon as Teddy says—he likes to rhyme. I am having a total hysterectomy on Thursday. And I am not as fine as I want to be about it--for many reasons. One major reason is that the life Teddy knows—me participating in his every day, taking him to the park, to school, to services, everywhere – will not be happening. Instead I have to rely on my husband to do this; and my parents; and possibly a sister or two; and a couple of friends. It would seem that it really does take a village. I will not be able to make sure he has brushed his teeth, or gotten a bath, or eaten. I will not be able to make sure he has only watched 1 hour of TV or played on the computer for an hour one time a day. I won’t be able to see that he has about an hour of outside time and I won’t be able to get up with him in the middle of the night when he calls for me (well that I hardly do anyway). I won’t be emotionally available to him, to hug him or talk him out of a meltdown--I may be having my own. I won’t be able to hold him.
To prepare for this I have created lists, a calendar, even a menu of appropriate stuff for Teddy to eat for each meal. I have been giving Pete a tour of the Kitchen, Teddy’s play things, his arts center and where I put the play dough. I have pre-set up play dates and purchased birthday gifts and even pre-ordered a week’s worth of shopping (Thank you PEAPOD!!) I told Pete what I want for Teddy educationally and have given him the ok to remarry (after 5 years—and she better LOVE TEDDY more than herself!) And I told him that I want to be cremated and buried with my cat Loki (not in the Egyptian way—the cat would of course die of natural causes and to wait to deal with my ashes until after that happens.)
I know that this, most of it anyway, is overkill, I know my husband isn’t an idiot…
It is funny. I am sure I can give another parent advice on how to deal with this. But when it is me dealing with it, I am not entirely secure in my abilities or that I have done enough to prepare for every possible outcome.
But it is my way of trying to control a situation that I feel has become completely out of hand, and a way for me to have control over some things when I cannot have control on others. I will not have control over how Teddy reacts to this. I will not be able to comfort him and this kills me. He will have to visit me in the hospital and see me in pain and deal with my mood swings and watch me cry. He is only 4. I am trying to have a sense of humor about this. I am also trying to prepare him for it as much as possible, but there is only so much I can do. I did all of the normal things I could think of, gotten books about the Hospital out of the Library, spoken to him about it, tried to reassure him I will be ok. I’ve made everyone aware around him that this was happening, drafted help from friends and other parents and we created a list of things we could do together while I am recovering and when I get better.
I also know I must be positive. That this will help me recover and regain my normal life—maybe an even better life, than the one I had pre-hysterectomy. The pain I have felt, the ups and downs emotionally, the days and hours I’ve spent dealing with this issue, will all be replaced with time spent with my family. I need to look at this as a teaching tool for my son as well. I have to show him strength and fortitude, humor and patience.
But I have so many questions. Do I have to hide the ugliness from him as well? A family goes through things in the course of a lifetime, by him seeing this now will it set him up to be strong or to be afraid? Have I done enough to counteract the worry and the fear? Can I do enough or should I just deal with it as we go along and take a leap of faith in those around me? Does he have enough socks?
To some degree I am going to have to take a leap of faith and suck it up so to speak. This will be a ‘selfish’ time for me, a time where I take care of me first until I can take care of him again, putting my own oxygen mask on before his. If I leave this issue unchecked, there will be days per month that I will need to devote to dealing with it anyway. I may get sicker, the outcome is inevitable. I have never been one to guiltlessly take care of myself. It is always laden with guilt. This time I can feel no guilt. I will not.
I will concentrate on getting better so that I can enjoy the summer and pick up where things left off.
One of the things this experience has already taught me, about being a mom and about being a person in general, is that I need to concentrate on what is actually important to me. I know how trite and cliché that sounds, but I tend to want to do everything--be a class mom, volunteer at the NICU, write, help whoever needs help at the time, publish Macaroni Kid, manage Patrick and The Rock-a-Silly band—whatever that day’s to do list says. But I can’t do that and be a happy person. And if I can’t be a happy person than what am I showing Teddy? If he doesn’t have a happy mom (and by extension a happy Dad) then he most certainly will not have a happy outlook on life. And that just can’t happen. I know we will all be ok, because I have to make sure we are. These past months of almost constant pain I have not been happy. But I know I used to be. And I know I will be again.
I have an image of us walking in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. I am wearing a white shirt and jeans, a bag slung over my shoulder. Teddy is pulling a blue, kid-sized wheelie suitcase and Pete is walking behind us with a larger, matching bag. This is the image I will have when I go under, an image of a young (ish) family, on a trip together in the near future. Happy, healthy and full of purpose.
I will return.
