It's Naked Time!

Ah, Naked Time.  The time of day when my four year old son, who is proudly unaware that being naked is frowned upon in certain, shall we say, uptight circles of our society, streaks across the floor gleefully yelling, “Catch Me!  I’m Naked BOY!” 

I don’t have a problem with him doing this.  I am of the mind that a four year old is just expressing his or her innate need to declare themselves.  If this means exposing one’s own privates in moderately mixed company, so be it. 

My parents and sister disagree.  The other day I was over their house (which I am often) and Teddy ran into the kitchen naked.  My sister said in a tone of voice that clearly dripped with distaste, “Teddy that is inappropriate now, you are too old to run around naked.  Go put some clothes on.” My parents chimed in, he ignored her and I replied, “Great way to help build his positive body image!”

For the record, Teddy only streaks before or after bath time, and when he is getting changed.  He doesn’t walk around the block naked and rarely does it when company is over.  However, he loves it.  He loves feeling the breeze on his preschool butt.  And truthfully I really don’t mind, neither does my husband.  And by “Moderately Mixed Company” I mean Family members and the odd close friend or two, not at the park or on the beach.

While our self image is ever evolving based on the information about ourselves that we receive and accept over the years, there are certain ideas that kids should grow up with to ensure that most of what they think of themselves is positive.  This creates the opportunity not only to love oneself, but not be devastated when they find themselves inevitably facing their limitations.    Parents, caregivers, teachers and close family members all aid in either the promotion or destruction of that self esteem.  And while it is possible, with much help, therapy and persuasion to change an already bruised ego, puberty will screw them up so badly that not only will they have that to contend with, but the horrible self image they have constructed because their loved and trusted caregiver cannot understand what it means to be that uninhibited. 

Many of the things adult do and say to our children, in the name of safety or just to enforce rules are built around a preconceived notion that they have created for themselves with the information they were given.  I am not saying most of it is wrong, but I am suggesting that while a child is scolded in the guise of being taught a lesson, or restricted in the name of safety, it is necessary to ask ourselves if our gut reaction is a condition of what we were scolded for or restricted from when we were kids. 

Another relevant question is why do we feel so uncomfortable about it?  Is it from a fear that has been implanted in our psyche or do we truly feel that it may be inappropriate for a four year old to say, run around the background on a beautiful summer day completely naked for 4 minutes before his mother gets him to come over to her so she can put his bathing suit on while no one but his aunt and grandmother are around to witness it.   

He may be safe with clothes on but at what cost?

Release the Hounds!

School has begun.  Last year, Teddy went to Nursery school three afternoons per week and really didn’t display any type of separation.  None actually, which of course made me worry that he wasn’t attached to me and I wasn’t a good mom.  It also made me think if he was in touch with his emotions and if not, maybe I have a bigger problem on my hands than just a Sensory Issue. 

Fast forward to today, his third day alone in preschool (a big boy’s school!) and he is hysterical crying.  I know the right thing to do.  As a teacher of preschool kids, I always said it was better to just leave, and let us deal with it.  If they see you upset or waver they think they have a real reason to cry.  The stronger you are about it…BLAH BLAH BLAH!  My kid is crying.  It is damned hard to walk away from that, even when you know what is best.

Will he cry all afternoon?

Probably not.  He is probably right now just playing and doing a project, hanging with his new friends.  Will he cry when I pick him up?  Probably.

I saw it coming.  For a few weeks he has been off.  Not sleeping well.  Telling me that he won’t like his new teachers because he loves me and there is no more room to love anyone else.  This past week he has been displaying anger towards inanimate objects, kicking tires and doors a little.  Not listening.  What can I do except help him through this.  We started reading the Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, a timeless tale about a Raccoon going to school and having some hesitations.  His mom kisses his hand and tells him whenever he feels lonely he can put his hand up to his cheek and say to himself Mommy Loves me.  We did it.  I drew a heart on his hand, kissed it and he put it up to his cheek cradling it saying Mommy and Daddy love me. 

He threw my kiss away today.  I don’t feel hurt, or think this has in any way to do with me personally, but when his teacher saw that she said, he really loves school I wonder why he did that. Really?  Have you never dealt with a child who has separation?  He is the only one?  And you have been teaching preschool for how long now?  Oh this is your first year, you usually teach 4^th grade.  Well…….that doesn’t inspire the confidence that you will be able to care for him.  A 4^th grader is a completely different animal. 

He wasn’t alone in his display of fear and anguish.  Three other kids, one whom refused to go in at all, were hysterical.  The parents were at a loss because this is their first experience with separation.  I fear it may be another long year folks. 

How long will this separation last?  I guess it depends upon a few things.  How I handle it, how his teachers handle it and how the other kids in the class handle theirs.  Maybe a new parent group needs to be started; maybe they already have one in place.  There should absolutely be a class for parents on how to deal with separation---parenting at all stages needs a handbook, a guide to help us figure the little things out.  It takes a team to raise a Whole child. 

I hope his separation comes and goes quickly, and that he enjoys school. And I hope the guilt I am feeling passes too.  I know it will. Tomorrow I am giving him an ID card with my picture on it, that worked once over the summer, let’s hope it will again.

How Do You Know When IT is Right?

I worry.  I worry deeply about my son’s education.  I want it to be stellar, spectacular even.  I want him to be happy.  I want us to be happy with the schools we choose and that is such a crap shoot these days.  Education is really needing to look elsewhere for funds since the government just does not want to pay for it anymore, and the more in bed the schools get with corporate partnerships the more beholden to them they will be, plaques like this math book is sponsored by McDonalds just may be a reality.  It may already have happened. 

Why do I want him to like school so much?  Maybe it’s because I didn’t.  At least not past 5^th grade, I suspect tho that it started before then.  Am I reaching for a goal here that I was unable to achieve?  Am I trying to go back to my childhood and fix what happened to me?  Don’t we all a little bit?  We are thinking of moving to Brooklyn to go to have him go to a school there.  The schools there seem to have a little more to offer.  When I say schools I mean public school.  I still believe in the public school system as it was set up and the promise it actually could have, especially if it was supported in the way it ought to be.  I want Teddy to experience a mix of cultures as well as a mix of specialty classes.  I want him to know a person who celebrates Kwanzaa and Ramadan as well as Hanukkah and Christmas.  And I want the teachers to show him things that I am not able to or haven’t thought up.  A friend of mine who loves to debate my educational understanding and ideas believes that I can give him what I want and have the schools supplement.  But social ties will get in the way of that as he gets older.  He will be involved with after school stuff and homework will take precedence in my supplementation of what I want him to learn, so as he gets older, I won’t be able to show him new ideas and spend hours performing science experiments with him.  The school will have to be his primary teacher and I will be the one supplementing them. 

When he was one, I said to my husband, Pete, that we have four years to make decisions about Teddy’s education.  We feel like, now that we have one year to go, we have more questions than answers, though there are some incredible websites out there to help, the educational experience is so personal that even if I went to take a tour of the school or schools that we are interested in we really won’t know how he will fit in, if his personal needs will be met and if he will succeed.  Yes, we will be there pretty much every step of the way to see what he needs and change things up as we go along, but can we really know? And what if we think we have it right, move to a new area of the city and it turns out to be horrible?  This is what my parents had to do when they moved us from Brooklyn (where we want to go) to Staten Island.  Yes we were safer (define that) and we had much more space to run around in, but were the schools actually better?  I guess it really all depends on what you want from a school?  This is something I keep trying to define.  What do I want from my son’s school?  What do I want for my son’s education?  Will I find it? Do I know too much?  Does that hurt me?

I don’t know but I do know that if my husband and I don’t ask these questions, one of the most precious gifts we can give him, the one thing I feel I can do really right, will not be good enough.